This month of April has been a whirlwind as it has also been a blessing. A blessing in disguise so to speak. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason I don't really believe in coincidences although at times I'm sure they must manifest themselves one way or another.
As most of you know my father passed away last year in the month of April I didn't realize that all this time even though I was happy I was sad I was letting myself go. Work was making me more stressed than usual which led to over eating which obviously led to weight gain.
I stopped pampering myself, was to lazy to do my makeup, never really wanted to dress up just always wanted to be in my comfortable clothing (baggy pants, Metal shirts, etc...)
My sleep schedule had been off and on sometimes I'd go to bed at an appropriate time other times I would let myself go till the end of the abyss so that I could feel that my time away from work meant something.
Everything eventually built up to getting sick the first few weeks of April as my Dad passed around that time as well as not sleeping properly which caused non-sleep hallucinations during the time of his Birthday. But all this time since he passed I cheated my mind telling myself that what happened did not affect me that I was happy that he was no longer in pain. I rarely thought of the incident I only remembered him in things/moments we once shared together but in the reality my subconscious was torturing me with thoughts of the previous occurrence.
From NON-SLEEP... to HalLuCiNaTiOnS..which led to sleeping pills..that led to even trickier H A L L U C I N A T I O N S. For some reason whenever I hallucinate it always feels like I'm saving the world..through medications or non-sleep that I have experienced in the past as I am very sensitive and am in fact prone to hallucinations so I have to be very careful of what type of medications I drink as they can really set me off.
I could write a book about every hallucinogenic experience I've had in my life as every single experience is fresh in my memory like a slab of meat at the butcher's shop. Twisted - turning - burning - for you. Unfortunately I have been gifted with this curse with after every occurrence I feel an almost undescribable positive energy that surrounds my every being. Call it God, the universe, good vibes - call it what you will.
I know in fact that what I feel is very real and some day's ago my Mom told me that I am special in the sense that I can feel things other people do not feel. I would give my last breath to have everyone in the world feel what I feel now and have felt for sometime because it can only be described as magickal.. An Emphasis in our own - r e a l i t y.
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