I will always love you

I think I've been avoiding making this post for the simple fact that as soon as I do post this what happened will seem all the more real. My Father passed away this past April 4th - 1 week shy of his 63rd birthday which would have been on April 12th. My Dad and me used to be really close but with the years we slowly started to grow apart it got to the point where I was scared to phone him because he would almost always answer the phone intoxicated. He allowed himself to deteriorate little by little first by allowing himself to get to the point of obesity then by moving in with people that only wanted to take advantage of him.

My Dad was a good man he always wanted to help others in need but sadly the last group of people he encountered just wanted to abuse of his good nature. I don't even really know how to explain how I feel the first few days were hell on earth. The first day was denial - the second realization - the third acceptance. None of this has been easy - I could not sleep for 2 entire days so I ended up having really bad hallucinations the only time I've ever hallucinated is being on medication being that my body is really susceptible to that type of side effect so it was pretty scary for me knowing this could happen without being on any type of medication at all.

It's still hard for me to believe that he is gone but yet it leaves me at ease that he is no longer suffering and that he is finally at peace. I loved my Dad more than anything even when he was at his worst. I hope that he didn't pass thinking I didn't love him I still blame myself for not calling or getting together with him sooner. As much as I wanted to avoid him making me cry each time we would get off the phone or the fact that he would usually back out whenever we planned to get together I wish I would have insisted and helped him live a better life. I'm a very spiritual person so I know that he is happy in Heaven with God but it still hurts so much. As a child and even now till this age I always thought/felt my Father was immortal that may sound silly to some but that's how I felt and it really fucking sucks that it isn't true. Daddy I love you and I miss you.

"No matter how much I try to deny how I feel - the pain is so real. I forget to void the pain and then I wake up and realize he's really gone how could I ever allow myself to forget? I don't want to feel."